My apologies for my silence lately, internet people. I’ve been busy rescuing babies and discovering new forms of exotic fighting. Or I could just be busy working and finishing up my degree. But you’ll never know for sure - muahahaha!

Today I’m going to talk about your online dating profile and what you’re looking for. If you’re confused by this, I’ll clarify: Do you want a man ‘ho? Do you want a bible-thumpin’ Christian girl? Do you want a pen-pal because you have anthropophobia and this is the closest you get to a real relationship?

*cracks knuckles* I am here to help!

The most important thing to discover about yourself in this process is truly knowing what you want. I myself have been guilty of thinking I’m ready for a full blown relationship then realize I am having some sort of mental block and in reality, I just want to make new friends. If this happens to you, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just adjust your settings and try again - the beauty of the internet.

Below is a description of commonly used “what you’re looking for” phrases used with dating websites and my general but funky explanation of each:

New Friends - You’re new to the area or maybe out of a relationship recently and just want to meet some new faces. It’s not a bad descriptor to use but be warned - some people will still try to match up their body parts with yours on this one so be clear when you start chatting.

Short-Term Dating/Casual Dating - This is the passive-aggressive way of saying you want to have sex and aren’t looking for an actual relationship or that you like to be used/use people. If people are actually using this to just casually “meet people” don’t be surprised when stranger boy whips out his Johnson and starts singing “Let’s Get It On” rap version.

Long Distance Penpals - You are phobic and afraid of being around people. This will get you nowhere. Or lead you to a frustrating long-distance relationship that ultimately ends up with one of you living in a new place surrounded by strangers and a sudden hankering for corn on the cob. Or you just genuinely like writing to strangers about your day and use these people as a crutch for why you don’t have time to go on a date. Dude… go on a real date. Trust me on this. You’ll learn something.

Long-Term Dating/Serious Relationship- I’m grouping some of these together because they are basically the same thing. If you’re using this, you are ready to settle down with one person, hopefully for a long, long time - if you’re lucky. I hope you’re lucky. Be careful, though. You do get your fair share of crazies on the internet and might end up on a date with someone who is ready to name your children and move in together after a week with a puppy and a jacked up futon. Yes, this happens. Yes, some people are codependent and have no idea how to have a healthy relationship. Eyes wide open, people.

Activity Partners - This may actually serve a useful purpose. This is for the doers of the world, not the sayers. If someone wants a hiking buddy, this applies. Just make sure you specify in your profile or people might think you want an activity partner in the bedroom. If you do want an activity partner in the bedroom just specify and mention you were a gymnast… or whatever.

Casual Sex/Intimate Encounters - Oh how I love the honest people in this world. You want to get laid and you are not ashamed! That’s right, strut your sexy, horny self to the bed and let mama make it all better! Phew! Okay, got that out of my system. Honesty is such a turn on. If all you want to do is get laid just say it, don’t spray it. Er… well, spray with discernment at least. Now if you’re just looking to get laid and you run across a sincere, heart-felt profile stressing that they want a real relationship with somebody - don’t be the idiot that comes on to them talking about your big breasts or your big penis and how horny you are. Most people find this insulting. On the other hand, a few may cave because they’re horny and lonely and at that moment in time will take what they can get. If you’re THAT person just be ready for the walk of shame the next day. Just sayin’.

Hang Out - This is similar to Activity Partners but you’re too lazy to actually do anything physical. Maybe you’re a movie lover or enjoy a rousing game of pinochle. Or maybe you have a love of museums. Whatever the reason, maybe you will find someone to just “hang out” with. Maybe not. You could end up meeting someone who is just wanting to get laid and figures this is an easy way in.

Here’s my final advice, kids. EVERYONE IS HORNY. Even those sniffing your nose at this and rolling your eyes, you are horny as well. You’re just lying to yourself about it. Though there are some genuinely good and amazing people to be met through dating websites, there is still some crazy folks and some folks who have their own agenda, no matter the cost to other people. So be smart, be safe, and no matter what you tell yourself is absolutely going to NOT happen - bring a condom and when appropriate please do shave your legs. You don’t want to be chewing yourself out about it the next day.

Fornicate and date with ease, my friends!

With all the internet love in my heart,

IChuckPens

Long-distance dating now comes with robotic smooches.

fastcompany:

Finally, an app that systematically destroys your self-esteem!

This week, she’s launching WotWentWrong, a web app that solves the “mystery of why promising new romances ended unexpectedly or successful first dates vanished.” Rather than let one-time affairs just fade away—which can cause “lasting damage to someone’s self-esteem and future relationships”—Melnik has created a method for receiving customized feedback about what went wrong. “WotWentWrong is the breakup app for couples who never really broke up,” she says. “We’re providing a socially acceptable way to tie up the loose ends, learn from what happened and improve your dating Zen for the next relationship—no stalking required.”

Read all about it->

I think this may be helpful if for nothing else -closure.

All right boys and girls, let’s solemnly reflect on picking out a dating profile name.

*ponders*

Your profile says a lot but trust me on this, a disturbing profile name will scare folks off before they even get a chance to read about the awesomeness that is you.

So here’s my advice:

Stay away from profile names that have to do with your emotions on being single. Words like “depressed”, “lonely”, “sad”, aren’t going to inspire someone to want to meet you. You’ll come off clinically depressed and most people don’t knowingly invite that kind of madness into their lives.You’ll have to trick them instead!

Phrases like “crying on the inside” aren’t so hot, either. Unless it’s “CryingOnTheInsideForSpock” and then you may get a whole class of those who appreciate the irony. I hope you like conventions.

Don’t use profile names that reference your current state of sexual desire. “IHumpYouUp” though funny, makes you seem like a creeper or just plain horny and not really “relationship status” material. Although if you just want a hook up, be direct and to the point. “IFuckForFreeDinner” should do the trick.

If you have a handle that you’ve used for years and is funny and/or unique, it’s not a bad idea. However, expect that some folks are internet stalkers and they will do an engine search on your handle to see where else on the internet you’ve used it. (Note: this has actually happened to me. Several times.) So if you plan on using your snazzy handle be prepared for the odd questions about Facebook/Photobucket/Blogs and other things that may come up. 

So next time you plan on stalking me, just remember, I’m already prepared. My response is “Neener, neener, chicken weiner!”

With all the internet love in my heart,

IChuckPens

ichuckpens:

thissnigguh:

The moment when you’re making out with someone and they pull you a little closer.

Love it when that happens.

How much information is Too Much Information?

The question of the day. You’re sitting at your computer and trying to explain a little slice of yourself into a dating profile and hoping it will get you somewhere. It’s important to be real about yourself but knowing the difference between being real and oversharing makes all the difference.

Example:

Oversharing: I hope you like lots of sex because I will bang you all night long and every which way from Sunday, baby.

Being real: I am a passionate person with a healthy sex drive and in touch with my sexuality.

Same thing, really. But it sends two completely different messages. Plus, don’t you think you’re setting yourself up for failure there, tiger? I mean… honestly. A person will expect you to be the Barnum Bailey of “rockin’ good times” and what if you’re really only a carnival ride at the county fair? Your potential significant other will turn out to be a distant memory and a chagrin.

Here’s some do’s and don’ts:

Do: Explain your passions.

Don’t: Make people think they have to like only the same things as you. (If you don’t like chocolate ice cream I will cut you, fool!)

Do: Mention future goals and dreams.

Don’t: Say that your future is dependent upon when the aliens return for you. (Do aliens really want to probe our butts? I would think they have better things to do)

Do: Talk about what you do for a living or what you like to do for fun.

Don’t: Rant on about how stupid people are for liking or doing something you don’t. (This is like a waffles vs. pancakes debate - no one wins and everyone ends up with cold breakfast)

Do: Approach what your looking for in a potential mate/date/whatever with honesty and clarity.

Don’t: Talk about your potential significant other in terms of negatives. Talk about the good things you want, not the bad things you’re avoiding. The reality is by focusing on the negative you’re missing a good opportunity to discuss the positive things you’d like in a mate. (If your eyes are too small I can’t be with you, birdie-eyed fugly!)

Do: Show your good side but be real about the things you could improve on.

Don’t: Talk about how perfect you are. (That’s annoying, no one’s perfect. Except for me. I’m always perfect)

And finally, if you feel like you’re going off on tangents and getting confusing with what you’re trying to express, step away for a bit and come back to it later. You can always copy and paste it into a word document so you can edit it and such without worrying about it.

Also, I’m still perfect.

With all the internet love in my heart,

IChuckPens

Proof why online dating profile pictures should be thought out…

This one is a touchy subject but I feel it must be addressed. Probably for a lot of those new to dating sites (and maybe those who aren’t) there is the dilemma of “What is my body type? Well, I am going to attempt to address the definitions of what most body type selections are offered in order to help you make an informed decision.

But before I do that, a word of caution: Be honest about yourself. Remember, your ultimate goal is to meet an interested individual in person. They’re going to quickly realize you have not been portraying yourself accurately. Maybe it’s not deliberate or maybe it is. Regardless, I’m here to give you unsolicited advice!

Most common body type selections found with online dating:

Slender: Use this one of you’re skinny. Very little muscle tone, just basically you’re waif/emo type body. Skin, bones, and very little muscle definition. DEFINITELY use this one if the name of your nail polish is “I hurt so much I’m dying inside”.

About average: Yes, this is apparently a body type. Use this one if you fit within the parameters of your body’s ideal weight range. Sure, maybe you have a little muscular definition but you don’t try. You are one of the rare “I’ve got good genes” people. Overweight people pretend to be friends with you but on the inside they’re plotting your death with the implementation of a hot tub, silly putty, and a spatula.

Athletic and toned: You are in shape, so congratulations for that. One of your favorite hobbies is probably working out. Hold my fat ass up while I puke on you a little. Your body does have significant muscle definition, maybe you’re sporting some sexy abs. It is very possible that you take pictures of them, almost daily.

Heavyset: The definition of heavyset is described as “having a stocky build”. *rolls eyes* Okay, the definition of stocky is “broad and sturdily built”. There was something about Campbell’s soup in there as well but I think that was an alternative definition. So generally I see men using the “heavyset” option. From all my online dating experience, I would consider heavyset a large-boned individual, that probably carries about 20-35 pounds extra on their frame. So basically guys, you can still see your dick when you pee but you have to use the extra notches in your built when you put pants on. When women use this option, I always think of the gay and lesbian crowd. I’m not being judgmental here, I just think lesbian women probably identify with this option as a personal preference when they are broad and sturdy.

A few extra pounds: Nobody really knows what this means, sort of like unicorn farts. We all pretend we know but we don’t. So based on past experience, let’s assume two types of people are using this: Those who are not “broad and sturdy” and really are carrying around about 20-35 pounds extra on them. The other class of people who are using this are really just overweight but feel that using the classification “overweight” or “big and beautiful” is too harsh for their sensibilities. Grow some bold here, people! ONLY use this if you really do fall into the category of “a few extra pounds” and do not qualify as being obese or nearly obese. It’s not like your weight changes when the clothes come off - people are going to know.

Stocky: See Heavyset. Also think about Campbell’s Soup. Because now it’s stuck in my head.

Overweight: You’re carrying more than 35 pounds on you but less than the amount that would consider you obese. Congratulations on only being mildly committed to dying young. Enjoy your high cholesterol and fix me a sandwich you gloriously fat bastard because I know you must make them well.

Big and Beautiful: This is overweight, significantly overweight. You’re carrying over 35 pounds on you. Dudes can use this one, too. Although chicks may giggle a little - it shows you have a sense of humor. “Big and beautiful” is more a statement of how you perceive yourself, not so much a factual identifying body type - although it has become that way over the last few years. If you are big and beautiful then you are fabulously fat. Whether that’s obese or heading that direction, that’s what you are. Own it. Tippy-toe dance your way through life, my friend. That’s just how you roll.

Curvy: Men - never use this. Just don’t…ever. Women use this one all the time. Allow me to clarify some things. Extra curves is not “curvy”. Extra curves is overweight or big and beautiful if that’s where you’re going with it. Curvy would be a size 16 or less chick. Sure you’re carrying a bit of extra weight but in all the right places. Boobs. Hips. Ass. Typical lush, hourglass figure. (think Marilyn Monroe) Your stomach may have a bit of extra yumminess but it doesn’t come with the extra side of rolls. And guys masturbate to you with their tears. Enjoy having that knowledge now.

Full figured: Basically, full figured is also a “only women use it” body type description. Men - you have stocky and heavyset. Leave full figured for the women. If you’re full figured you are more than curvy but less than big and beautiful. You have big boobs that match your large hips. Maybe you have back problems and are considering a breast reduction. And every second you think that there is a man somewhere losing his erection. Recognize that and move on. “Full figured” is another vague body description that really comes down to perception. However, it is less daring than others. You might be shy if you’re using this one. Or if you use a dating site that doesn’t offer “big and beautiful” this is a good substitute and people will get it.

All washed up/used up: Though hilarious, I have a hard time imagining anyone actually using this one. “Used up” is a descriptive used on OkCupid. Not sure who thought that was a good idea but I applaud them for their daring. I imagine the over 30 crowd may use this one if they were a rough party-goer in their younger days and now are feeling the repercussions of that. Congratulations on being a dumb ass and all used up. Now go huddle in a corner with your filthy blanket and coat of shame.

Remember folks, I’m doing this for your own good.

With all the internet love in my heart,

IChuckPens

lol, wut?

Yeah. I’m calling all you horrible spellers out. Maybe some folks don’t care about spelling so much but let me give you a little highlight of a profile I recently read:

“i like to do wutever that is fun …..so let have some fun together…so hit me up and get to knoe me….im prolly the most simplest guy you will ever meet….theres nothing complicated about me that u will find in a guy like me….so if you like wut u see dont … if u like wut u see.”

*sigh*

Yeah, you probably are the “most simplest guy” I would ever meet but how about we never meet?

People…PEOPLE. There is this wonderful tool. Use it, know it, love it. It’s called Spell Check. Now I do try not to be such a hard taskmistress about spelling but let’s be real here; it is a serious distraction and very irritating to weed through boatloads of misspelled words. Also, what is with all the damn ellipses? I feel like you’re stroking off between each phrase.

It doesn’t make you look cool, you don’t seem “hip” or “edgy”. You come off uneducated and idiotic. Trust me on this one, when I see spelling and grammar like that not only are my girly bits NOT tingly but they are screaming “RUN AWAY!”.

And for all of our CAPS LOCK folks out there:

“HI TO ALL THOSE SEEKING LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP! IM TAKEING A LEAP HERE. IM THE TYPE OF GUY WHO DOESNT NEED A WOMEN TO TAKE CARE OF ME CAUSE I BELIEVE WE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF EACHOTHER. I DO LOVE MUSIC AND MOVIES. LOVE TO GO FOR DRIVES AND TRAVEL. I DONT MIND DOING MY OWN LAUNDRY,DISHES. IF YOU GOT QUESTIONS I GOT ANSWERS. IM AN OPEN BOOK. BUT PLEASE, ONLY SERIOUS INQUERIES.”

*bangs head on desk*

The only serious inquiry I have is “where the hell did you learn to write??!!” How is it that in this day and age of the internet, people still don’t know that writing in all caps lock is yelling? Makes my face hurt!

Now I understand that not everyone was an overachiever such as I was in school. And a lot of people probably aren’t college educated. That’s just how it is and that is your journey. But take some damn pride in yourself and present yourself as best you can. Granted, you’re not going to be perfect - I know I’m not. If I were a true spelling/grammar Nazi I’m sure there are some imperfections in this blog that would drive some people nuts. But I try. As should you. Getting your profile to stand out in a POSITIVE way is the point. Don’t become the brunt of jokes or *cough* blogs… just because you can’t be bothered to take the time to click your mouse and spell check.

With all the internet love in my heart,

IChuckPens

b0st0nk1d:

It’s Friday night, the lights are drawn down low, candles are lit, and you have a nice romantic meal set on the dinner table. But once again, you find yourself alone. Let me just start off by saying that it’s not you, it’s the city(well, it might just be you). A little over half of the population…

Loved this! :)